A decision to leave it to God.. I'm just going to be happy

Finally, finally, after so much tears and stuff, I've decided that since I can't do much for my job except wait and see how my morning sickness goes, I will leave it to the God above to decide. For a long long while, I have been thinking about going back to work, then the puking makes me so so sick that I put it on hold. Then I worry about not being fit enough to go back when my leave ends in 9 days time. Then I detest this little life inside me, cos I can't do all of the 'normal' things that I did before and I just lay on bed most of the day. And, not forgetting the scholarship I gave up for this baby.. WIth my mum, maid, and hubby doing everyhting for me. I am just too sick, i figured. And I figured its because I am pregnant, to the extent that I told my hubby that it just does not make sense to have a 2nd child.

I thought long and hard for the past week. Today, I read something that just tugged at my heart.. It's about abortion and how the baby felt when the mummy doesn't want it anymore.
Abortion

Dear Mommy,
I am in Heaven now...I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has
happened.
I was so excited when I began realizing my
existance. I was in a dark, yet comfortable
place.
I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far
along in my developing, yet not near ready to
leave my surroundings. I spent most of my
time thinking or sleeping. Even from my
earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried
with you.
Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I
heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and
hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much.

One day you cried almost all of the day. I
hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were
so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing
happened. A very mean Monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me.
Maybe you never heard me.

The monster got closer and closer as I was
screaming and screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me
please! Mommy, help me." Complete terror is
all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I
thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster
started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the
pain i can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as
it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such
complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never
see your face or hear you say how much you love
me.

I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had
so many plans to make you happy. Now I
couldn't, all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.

I wanted more than anything to be your
daughter.
No use now, for I was dying a painful
death. I could only imagine the terrible things
that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.

The angel took me away to a wonderful
place. Then I was happy. I asked the angel what was the thing was that killed me. He
answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is, I guess that's the name of the monster.

I'm writing to say that I love you and to
tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful.

It sucked my arms and legs off and finally
got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just
wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die.
Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion
monster.

Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to
go through the kind of pain I did. Please be
careful.

Love,
Your Baby Girl

Although abortion was never on the cards for me, I felt that the baby has a life and he loves me. He doesn't mean for me to suffer this way and the feeling of detest I had for him was so silly, so unfounded. If I, as his mother don't love him, then he can feel it and he will be very very sad. When I thought about this, I think I woke up. He's God's gift. And, I will love him, just as I loved Javier.
So, now, I leave whether I will be well enough for all my 'normal' events to GOD, I can't do anything... And I believe I will live through this and say, "I'm happy for this family, for this life I've lived", when my time is here.

I think too much? Maybe... but at least it's sorted.